Cleaning out the Cobwebs

Happy 2018 to whoever’s choosing to read my blog.

So it’s been a minute. And by a minute I mean, like, 6 months -___-

Since the last time I posted on WordPress Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s has happened.

I’m working the same job. I’m in the same relationship, and in the same apartment.

I would like for one of those things to change immediately (I’ll let you guess which one), but alas, here we are.

As an update – Halloween was fun. I had a nice holiday season. I put on some food-celebratory pounds (and am now working on removing them). I’m thinking about/planning how I’d like my career to go, and exercising patience in the process. Well, I’ve gone a bit batty in the process, but I’ve got some good people in my life who’ve helped me stay balanced along the way. Hey hey!

So here are somethings I’ve learned along the way:

Nothing is ever as it seems
The grass isn’t greener on other side, it’s greener where it’s watered
Everyone has their stuff, and no situation is truly “ideal”
Usually the only person getting in your way is yourself. I’m saying that again for myself
Rome wasn’t built in a day.
What’s for you is for you, and what will be will be
Your co-workers are not your friends, and can’t necessarily be trusted
Know who your people are. Make sure they know that you appreciate them, and keep them close.
Find out what you want, and don’t give up on your goals
[insert some other cheesy piece of advice/mantra here]

There are a lot of subject areas that I could invest more time in here, but honestly I’d just be complaining about my life instead of doing things to make it better. I’m not going to say that I’m going to stop ALL of my grumbling in 2018 (because that’s not exactly a SMART goal for me), but I’d like to invest my time better. Make sure that I’m feeding my soul, working on myself, and caring for my loved ones (whatever that means to them individually).

I’d like for part of working on myself to include maintaining this blog. Making it look better, posting more regularly, using some really top notch gifs/memes in the headers to these posts. Let’s make that happen this year.

Toodles,

J.

 

 

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Aging woes

rotating clock

 

There is pizza happening as we speak.

What’s up? I’ve been MIA – sorry for anyone who actually follows my blog, and kudos to you!

I wish I could say I’ve been living this extraordinarily fascinating life. Spoiler alert: I haven’t. I’ve been living and working as per ushe. Growing up as per ushe. It’s been interesting, but not instagram-worthy.

So what’s up with the title? Aging woes. I’m past 25, which means that, like, I’m a real grown-ass woman. Sigh. I mean, as my father says, it’s good to get old! It’s also intimidating. Queue rant.

While every year of life is a blessing it also serves as a reminder that life is finite. My life is “good” according to societal standards, but I’m starting to re-evaluate it a little bit. I’ve haphazardly applied for jobs outside of the financial services industry – 1. Because I don’t want to live in financial services, and 2. I feel like I need to work within the public policy/public health space in order to validate my Bachelor’s degree. But – plot twist! I’m now thinking to myself – what if I don’t want to do either?

What if I want to transition into a non-conventional job? I’ve been binge-watching a lot if interesting stuff on YouTube, and it’s sparked a lot of interest and inspiration for me. Granted, I am not trying to be a professional YouTuber. Or a professional blogger, or what-have-you. I do, however, admire people who create and publish content for a living, or as a side-hustle, or even just for fun because they have some stuff that they want to share with the world. It’s really cool.

I love so many of these black YouTubers who push for diversity and inclusion, who honestly and accurately communicate the modern-day struggles of being a black person in beauty, a queer black person, an awkward black person (#shoutout to Issa Rae), etc. And seeing that there are SO MANY OTHER awkward black people out in the world who completely own who they are, in all of their oddities and imperfections, is so incredible and validating to a person like me. And I’d like to be a part of that.

But for now I’m waiting for this pizza to cool off, enjoying the last few moments of my birthday week/week-end, and relating to several interesting people that I like and follow.

I want to end this blog post by saying something enlightening about growing up, and carving out your path in the world, and blah blah blah, but I got nothing. Except for this:

Don’t let the fear of uncertainties in life prevent you from living your life.

Toodle-oo everyone.

-J

Stuck

finding memo

There were so great cat memes on being stuck, but because I despise cats so much I bypassed ALL THE CAT MEMES for this Finding Nemo meme, which I aptly named in my pictures folder as “finding memo” 🙂

I’m baaaaccckkkk.

I don’t know why I made a dramatic introduction. It’s not like I have a bunch of followers on this blog ATM. Shoutout to whoever is reading this post right now, though. *tips hat*

Full disclosure: I’m sitting on the couch in my apartment about to take some Tostino’s pepperoni pizza rolls out of the microwave. I ate better as a child, y’know, during the ages when it was more appropriate to eat pizza rolls. Anyway, I digress.

So here I am on a rainy Tuesday evening. It’s been raining/storming on and off for several days. As a result I was without internet for a gut-wrenching 2 days, and I’m already at over 75% of my allotted data. For the month. I listen to a lot of Spotify…

In a stunning series of events/challenges I’ve done some self-assessment. I’ve taken a look at my life, and looked at it for what it is. Structure. Regimen. M-F/9-5/Weekend. Chores, exercise, an obscene amount of grooming, binge-watching shows (although it still takes me forever to actually finish an entire series) and YouTube videos. Sprinkle in some time throughout the week for quiet time (but never enough time) with Jesus, spending quality time with my boyfriend (&& the homies), and with girlfriends who I “have to do this more often” with. Boring. Kind of sad, really.

I took a more-than-brief pause to clean up the pizza rolls plate, and was distracted by Buzzfeed via Facebook aaaaand now I feel like I have an attention disorder. Hmmmm.

Earlier this year I decided that I wanted to transition out of my current job, out of finance, into something more interesting and meaningful to me. If I’m being honest with myself I’ve had short spurts of motivation, and longer spurts of complacency where I haven’t done much digging/applying/networking. I grumble about work and come back the next day, the next month, this fall it’ll be the next year. Why? Because I feel stuck.

I’m toting the line between comfort and progress. Progress requires discomfort – not all the time, but a good bit of the time. I’m so exhausted from this job, that is now increasingly more stimulating in the wrong ways, that I just want to come home and sit. I want to comfort myself from the woes of the day, and in doing so I don’t really accomplish anything for myself.

Over the past couple of weeks a loved one of mine pointed out the monotony of my life, and asked me what I look forward to doing when I get home from work (that doesn’t involve sitting).

— Mind you, I recognize that I’ve mentioned sitting an alarming number of times, but in an effort to minimize whatever judgment is coming my way from whatever random reader(s) I’d like to mention that I’m in Zumba/the gym several times weekly in an effort to still be able to eat ice cream and not look like a blob. So there. —

I didn’t have much to say. I mentioned that I enjoy spending time with my friends and family. I didn’t have any activities or hobbies explicitly my own (outside of activities with the people I care about) to look forward to. That bothered me. A lot.

When I was in college I was constantly stimulated (in the positive ways, as long as I wasn’t procrastinating). With my school work, involvement in student organizations, and such easy access to all my friends, I hardly had enough time left in the day/night for sleep. My life was full ALL THE TIME. It was exhausting, but everything was so well defined and purposeful. I studied what I wanted, had money to do what I wanted (which I’m now paying off to the Federal gov’t and Navient), and had a well-defined path. Take these classes, become involved in these things, graduate, get a job doing the thing, etc.

And you know what happened? I graduated. I moved back home for two years. I started working in a restaurant, feeling inadequate because I didn’t go to college to end up in a job I could have worked…before college. So I took the first legitimate full-time job opportunity to feel a certain amount of pride and worthiness. It was exciting for a brief period of time, and then miserable. I left. Worked a crappy job, worked what I thought was a dream job (but actually a poor fit), left, and now I’m here.

So what now? I have bills and responsibilities. There’s stuff I want to do – nothing fancy. Maybe go to the beach with my boyfriend. Watch the sunset. Eat some tacos. Go to the beach and watch the sunset while eating some tacos with my boyfriend.

I’m older so I know better than I did at 22. People work corporate jobs for the benefits. I like having health insurance. Not sure what my options are going to look like under the current administration. (I’m looking at you human-rights stripping, immorally scary GOP).

Something that I have now that I won’t have as much of in the future is time. Time to practice my violin, to learn tagalog, to work on this blog and make it cool – not just so I feel comfortable making it “public” but so that I’m proud of the platform housing this content.

I’m already frustrated about not having all the time I want to to run through scales and old sheet music, to create and study flash cards for Tagalog, to learn how to edit websites so that I can have a cool-looking blog.

This is a good frustrated, and I’m proud of it.

For the sake of time I’m going to call it quits on this blog post. I had a lot to say, and I’m not quite sure how to tie this all up in a neat bow. Hopefully I’ll be back on here sooner rather than later

Cheers,

J.